Velf on a Train 

So, I am heading north. Probably the last crack of the whip I’ll get at moving to that area of the country. 

 

Another Interview. 

 

Booked two days off work to attend and thanks to having a very active union I still get paid. My main reaction to getting a second interview was dismay. My application must have something on it that means I am worth inviting half way across scotland to meet a potential employer. 

 

Problem is I don’t think I interview well. I get nervous, talk too much and there is always the added pressure of “Is this the right thing to do for my family.” 

 

Truth is, I don’t know. It may improve things- it may put us into massive debt. My Dad was always one for taking risks. Which meant I moved 14 times before I was 18. Gain one job, lose another, move to a bigger house, go bankrupt, move to a council house in a sprawling estate. 

 

It taught me that bricks and mortar are just that. I have never felt a place was ‘home’ since I was about 16. What was the point? I would only move again. I ached deeply when I left wales, suffering the full force of what is known to the welsh as hiraeth- which has no direct translation into english. I still get the occasional twinge, even now. 

 

I know that I can’t go back to what I left. It no longer exists. I am different and the place and people I left behind have all moved on. That is all encompassed in hiraeth. 

 

So, as an adult I was happy to move about. I was rootless and friends transient. Other half is the opposite. He needed a place to put down roots. So, when I got the job on a small scottish island we stayed there. Ten years later and I find the mainland oddly terrifying.  

 

I laboured over my travel plan last night. Wrote down every change, all the times I was expected to be at the various stops. Took a photo of my itinerary on my phone in case I lost it and emailed it to myself so I could have access on my chromebook as I travel. I got worried that my online booking may not have gone through for my hotel so I rang them. Of course it had. All was well. 

 

I realised I was obsessing and I was doing so not through interview nerves. I was frightened. This was a long complicated journey and I was frightened I would fuck up. Part of it was I normally have Other Half driving (I’m the navigator) and using the car to get everywhere has meant that I am unused to any other form of travel. Hell, I think my driving skills may have even atrophied. 

 

What happened to the 18 year old welsh girl who would think nothing of hopping on a train and going through multiple changes to get from Scotland to Cirencester and back? There were no phone apps to make this easier. Planning journeys on the internet was in it’s infancy. I had no laptop, no twitter, 3G was not a thing. My phone made calls and texted. 
As I sit on the train now I have my laptop open and my phone plugged in next to it. No doubt I look very busy and the train is filling up. My little tech zone is taking up most of the table, i am effectively being a table hog. I need these things! I can’t travel without them! I’ve not even looked out the window. 

 

I guess I am one of those lucky transitional generations. I have lived to see the world change vastly and I am not even 40. My sons are natives to the tech revolution. Born into it. Unless there is some sort of apocalypse they will never know a world without being able to google anything they wish to know. I still remember having to use an encyclopedia. 

 

Anyway, back to the train and my journey. I think I have got too comfortable and to quote fallout 4 

 

“People in power should never be comfortable.” 

 

Thanks for that Bethesda. I may not be running Goodneighbour, but I am comfortable. 

 

Something in me tells me that I should not be, comfortable breeds complacency. There has to be balance however, I have a family to consider. 

 

So. I shall be uncomfortable for a few days and whatever happens the experience will be good for me. Nudge me out of my cocoon a little. 

 

I should probably look out the window a bit.    

Things Changing

Woo look at me blogging while I cook.

 

Well, it’s home made curry, it’s going to take a while. So, have chrome book propped up on the drier- while drier is on. Adds quite the challenge to typing. With NaNo almost over, I am back to the blog. Have had time to think about what I blog. Writing prompts are fun, but they should not be the only thing I do.

 

Thus, you are going to get some me. Not the work me, or the day to day me, but the actual inner me.

 

Inner me is cynical. Inner me swears, a lot. Inner me also cares deeply and can get angry.

 

This week work has dominated my thoughts. Well, I say dominated…. It’s eaten them whole and shat them out in a mental sludge that has kept me awake into the wee small hours. This has probably been the worst week of work in the last five years.

In case you don’t know, I work in education. Some say I am good at it. Devoted even. Me, I don’t have the arrogance to make a bold statement like that. I like being paid, would not do it for free. Yet the epic days I have working with teenagers balances out the bad. There are bad days, sometimes I come home mentally fragmented and needing to be patched up. Other Half has got my six when this happens.

Perhaps I get so tired as it’s an act when I stand in front of a class. IRL I am never that confident and people scare the shit out of me. Part of me still has a respect for authority. I want to believe that those in charge get put there by merit. Stepping into middle management this year has wiped that from my soul. Those in charge take care of themselves and pass blame when things go wrong.

Which is what happened to me this week. It dawned on me slowly, others saw it first. Told me I should be angry, I was not… until I checked my records. Never delete an email children. Looking back over dates and contacts it became clear. I had been fucking shafted and was left to deal with the fallout. My professional integrity has been put on the line because someone is too wrapped up in other things, or too damn lazy to do their job properly.

I don’t like getting angry. No, really, it frightens me. I get flashbacks of angry yelling from growing up and some of the rest of what I saw back then.

Nope, not going into any details. Naming names when people are not in public life is a dick move. I am not a dick. I was, however, tired, angry and upset with little outlet. I put my head down and slogged on. One thing I take pride in- I am a stubborn cow. It did not break me. Oh, I wanted to cry in a corner and gnash teeth, but that would not have done any good. Many hours of extra, panicked work later and I met the deadline. It’s a rushed, poor job, that will reflect badly on me, yet it is done.

So, on Friday I filled out an application form for a new job. I have been playing with this idea for months. Making half-assed comments that I don’t have to be trapped in my current job. Yet it took this week to galvanise me into actual action.

It was rather cathartic on one level, and utterly terrifying on another. I’ve been working in the same place ten years, TEN YEARS. A DECADE! Some of my colleagues have been in the same place their entire career. Rare in this day and age. I was half submitting to the idea that I would be among them. Despite the allure of better salaries and working conditions abroad, my Other Half really does not want to leave Scotland.

I am not a dick and I love him so don’t push the issue. Marriage is about compromise- as I have learnt from fifteen years of it. Back to work- two jobs on my radar, the other side of the country.

Yes, I am scared. I flit between OMG WHAT AM I DOING??? To- FUCKING LET ME LEAVE! AM SICK OF THE FUCKWITS!

 

There will be fuckwits wherever I go, but if I don’t try and leave, how will I know?

 

Oh, trite poetry? I’m such a twat.

 

Curry is almost ready. I am off to cook the rice. Korma, if you must know. Then onwards to marking in front of the TV. Living the dream. It pays the bills-

Who knows this might be the best decision in recent years. Or the worst. Or it might crumble my ego to dust and bend the steel in my spine as I am unwanted elsewhere.

 

That’s life. Time will tell.

 

Signing off for now.
Goodbye friends and strangers.