​Interview

So, after all the stress of getting my CV together and firing out applications… I got a response last week from the post I thought would be least likely to want me (I made a few mistakes on the application in my haste.) 

So. I have a job interview- on the other side of the country. 
O…M…G what the fuck do I do now? 
Well, have to take Other Half with me. He needs to see the place if we are going to potentially move there. So, petrol expenses and an overnight stay in a travel inn. Early breakfast, tour of the building then into the interview. Drive around the area then home. Work next day, same as always. 
In laws are looking after children and mad dalmatian pup, but a neighbour will have to walk the pup because mother in law’s hip is screwed up. 
I am bloody frightened. If I get the job its massive expense to move and I will have to uproot my entire family. Up sides it’s a mainland area and much better connections to facilities and has better funding. Should follow that there are better opportunities.

  

If I don’t get it, then I will go onto a lower wage in a few short months and we will be stuck in a place where there are very few prospects of promotion and my Other Half can’t get a part time job to make up the shortfall, because here are 40 people chasing every job here. 
Kinda feel I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If my flat does not sell and I start a new job in August halfway across the country, leaving my family behind and probably living in a barn somewhere to keep costs down. 
So yeah, probably fucked either way.
Is it wrong to feel terrified and excited at the same time? Can’t afford a new suit so I am tarting up an old dress and matching it with some new shoes I got cheap off ebay and have heels so high they should be used as torture devices. 
Why am I bothering? Well… if everything comes together, maybe, just maybe we can be in a better situation. If we do nothing, chances are I’ll have to get a second job and work even longer hours than I do now and never see my family. 
If I don’t get this job I’ll be fairly gutted and have already almost talked myself into failing. Yet, if I am not sutable then why are they inviting me to an interview when I live so far away? 

Guess I will soon find out. 

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Things Changing

Woo look at me blogging while I cook.

 

Well, it’s home made curry, it’s going to take a while. So, have chrome book propped up on the drier- while drier is on. Adds quite the challenge to typing. With NaNo almost over, I am back to the blog. Have had time to think about what I blog. Writing prompts are fun, but they should not be the only thing I do.

 

Thus, you are going to get some me. Not the work me, or the day to day me, but the actual inner me.

 

Inner me is cynical. Inner me swears, a lot. Inner me also cares deeply and can get angry.

 

This week work has dominated my thoughts. Well, I say dominated…. It’s eaten them whole and shat them out in a mental sludge that has kept me awake into the wee small hours. This has probably been the worst week of work in the last five years.

In case you don’t know, I work in education. Some say I am good at it. Devoted even. Me, I don’t have the arrogance to make a bold statement like that. I like being paid, would not do it for free. Yet the epic days I have working with teenagers balances out the bad. There are bad days, sometimes I come home mentally fragmented and needing to be patched up. Other Half has got my six when this happens.

Perhaps I get so tired as it’s an act when I stand in front of a class. IRL I am never that confident and people scare the shit out of me. Part of me still has a respect for authority. I want to believe that those in charge get put there by merit. Stepping into middle management this year has wiped that from my soul. Those in charge take care of themselves and pass blame when things go wrong.

Which is what happened to me this week. It dawned on me slowly, others saw it first. Told me I should be angry, I was not… until I checked my records. Never delete an email children. Looking back over dates and contacts it became clear. I had been fucking shafted and was left to deal with the fallout. My professional integrity has been put on the line because someone is too wrapped up in other things, or too damn lazy to do their job properly.

I don’t like getting angry. No, really, it frightens me. I get flashbacks of angry yelling from growing up and some of the rest of what I saw back then.

Nope, not going into any details. Naming names when people are not in public life is a dick move. I am not a dick. I was, however, tired, angry and upset with little outlet. I put my head down and slogged on. One thing I take pride in- I am a stubborn cow. It did not break me. Oh, I wanted to cry in a corner and gnash teeth, but that would not have done any good. Many hours of extra, panicked work later and I met the deadline. It’s a rushed, poor job, that will reflect badly on me, yet it is done.

So, on Friday I filled out an application form for a new job. I have been playing with this idea for months. Making half-assed comments that I don’t have to be trapped in my current job. Yet it took this week to galvanise me into actual action.

It was rather cathartic on one level, and utterly terrifying on another. I’ve been working in the same place ten years, TEN YEARS. A DECADE! Some of my colleagues have been in the same place their entire career. Rare in this day and age. I was half submitting to the idea that I would be among them. Despite the allure of better salaries and working conditions abroad, my Other Half really does not want to leave Scotland.

I am not a dick and I love him so don’t push the issue. Marriage is about compromise- as I have learnt from fifteen years of it. Back to work- two jobs on my radar, the other side of the country.

Yes, I am scared. I flit between OMG WHAT AM I DOING??? To- FUCKING LET ME LEAVE! AM SICK OF THE FUCKWITS!

 

There will be fuckwits wherever I go, but if I don’t try and leave, how will I know?

 

Oh, trite poetry? I’m such a twat.

 

Curry is almost ready. I am off to cook the rice. Korma, if you must know. Then onwards to marking in front of the TV. Living the dream. It pays the bills-

Who knows this might be the best decision in recent years. Or the worst. Or it might crumble my ego to dust and bend the steel in my spine as I am unwanted elsewhere.

 

That’s life. Time will tell.

 

Signing off for now.
Goodbye friends and strangers.

Writing prompt- February 15th

Norman Mailer claimed that- “Insomnia is the minds revenge for all the thoughts we forgot to have in the day.” What do you think about when you can’t sleep?

Money… not notes or pound coins but numbers on a screen, representing what I owe and what I need to pay.

Has the direct debit for my phone come off yet? Am I paying off enough on my computer? Has the mortgage been paid yet? I went out for a meal a few weeks ago… that money could have paid extra off on the credit card.

What of the repairs? £10,000 towards fixing the roof. The zeros parade across my mind. Will I ever pay that off? Oh I know I earn enough to make ends meet but with a pay cut looming in the summer my heart sinks. No holiday again this year.

Then children. Are they happy? They seem so… am I too strict with them? I got angry at the 7yo for jumping on his bed… should I have talked to him instead of yelling? He’s already broken a bed he’s just so big… he does not realise he’s not five anymore.

3yo is smarter than I am. Frighteningly so. People will think we are hothousing him. Nothing could be further from the truth. He just picks it up, loves numbers, is already trying to read. Fuck people. Hate most people anyway. Am I stimulating him enough though? Is he bored?

Are they happy? Am I a bad mother?

Husband. Ever shifted to third on the list after the money and the children. Guilt for that… lots of it. Squirming in my chest. It used to be just us. He was always my first consideration. Can’t remember when that changed. Is he healthy? I worry about him through the day and it all piles up and is concentrated as I hear him breathing beside me. His eyes were bad today. Must make sure to lie still so he sleeps properly. His back, he will wake in pain. Must make sure I get him a coffee in the morning to take his meds with.

Is he happy? Is he still happy to be with me? Does he regret moving here? Our way of life? What can I do to make sure he is okay?

Work harder, smile more. 7yo asked if we were poor a few days ago. A 7yo should not ask things like that. Need to devote self to career, even though it eats my time and presses thick black worry down on my mind.

Sometimes I love it, best job. Sometimes I hate it. Blame self for things I can’t control. Make mistakes because my head does not work like others do. Should I get a new job? Would I feel any better? How much money would it cost to move? Can we afford that?

I feel so trapped sometimes… just want my mind to shut down. Computer helps. I don’t have to think of anything else when writing or destroying pixels on a screen. Even in that I don’t have the hand to eye coordination to perform well. Dyslexia makes words come out backwards, clumsy fingers mash keys…

No… I need to sleep

Mind continues to plan for the worst case and dreams are haunted with hungry children and the roof of my flat collapsing.

Reboot

echo ‘Server Rebooting…….’;
shell_exec(‘reboot’);
echo ‘<pre>$output</pre>’;

 

I LIVE!!!!

Yeah went quiet, but for some very good reasons…

 

1)  Had an inspection at work. Came through it fine btw but it was a MASSIVE amount of work as well, showing what I could do. The inspector I had contact with was very nice and even let me bend her ear in private over a pilot project I had invented, trialled and was now going to be used department wide after very positive pupil feedback. (Yes I win) I had also been rushed hospital with prem labour the week before- this involved the RAF and a helicopter ride… Following on from that…

2)  I gave birth. (Not prematurely I might add.) Yes I now have two beautiful boys. Love having a newborn in the house again. What I had forgotten about from last time was the mind numbing tiredness. Last time round when my son dozed off I could sleep too. This time, when son two dozes off I still have a 3yo to entertain and look after. Husband is a god send and we operate as a tag team. However he is still working and has not been well himself of late.

3)  Second born went back into hospital. Yep, week after he was born. He was not feeding properly and so could not maintain his body temperature. So me and him spent 3 days in a children’s ward. That was entertaining. I was still bleeding from the c section. Oh and that took forever to recover from too.

So taking all the above into consideration I have been quite stressed. So far 2013 has been a crappy year with only the birth of son two to lighten it. Let’s hope it now improves!

Things have settled now, yes I am tired but starting to feel better about things and I am enjoying not working. Maternity leave actually runs out next month so I am using savings etc to stay off longer. Feel I need the time with my family and I want to ensure my husband is better before I leave him to look after two children during the day.

As for me, I started writing again both my novel and Indebted, which is very close to getting wrapped up. When it is, perhaps I will be writing an epilogue for a certain story 😉