​Interview

So, after all the stress of getting my CV together and firing out applications… I got a response last week from the post I thought would be least likely to want me (I made a few mistakes on the application in my haste.) 

So. I have a job interview- on the other side of the country. 
O…M…G what the fuck do I do now? 
Well, have to take Other Half with me. He needs to see the place if we are going to potentially move there. So, petrol expenses and an overnight stay in a travel inn. Early breakfast, tour of the building then into the interview. Drive around the area then home. Work next day, same as always. 
In laws are looking after children and mad dalmatian pup, but a neighbour will have to walk the pup because mother in law’s hip is screwed up. 
I am bloody frightened. If I get the job its massive expense to move and I will have to uproot my entire family. Up sides it’s a mainland area and much better connections to facilities and has better funding. Should follow that there are better opportunities.

  

If I don’t get it, then I will go onto a lower wage in a few short months and we will be stuck in a place where there are very few prospects of promotion and my Other Half can’t get a part time job to make up the shortfall, because here are 40 people chasing every job here. 
Kinda feel I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If my flat does not sell and I start a new job in August halfway across the country, leaving my family behind and probably living in a barn somewhere to keep costs down. 
So yeah, probably fucked either way.
Is it wrong to feel terrified and excited at the same time? Can’t afford a new suit so I am tarting up an old dress and matching it with some new shoes I got cheap off ebay and have heels so high they should be used as torture devices. 
Why am I bothering? Well… if everything comes together, maybe, just maybe we can be in a better situation. If we do nothing, chances are I’ll have to get a second job and work even longer hours than I do now and never see my family. 
If I don’t get this job I’ll be fairly gutted and have already almost talked myself into failing. Yet, if I am not sutable then why are they inviting me to an interview when I live so far away? 

Guess I will soon find out. 

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Writing prompt- February 15th

Norman Mailer claimed that- “Insomnia is the minds revenge for all the thoughts we forgot to have in the day.” What do you think about when you can’t sleep?

Money… not notes or pound coins but numbers on a screen, representing what I owe and what I need to pay.

Has the direct debit for my phone come off yet? Am I paying off enough on my computer? Has the mortgage been paid yet? I went out for a meal a few weeks ago… that money could have paid extra off on the credit card.

What of the repairs? £10,000 towards fixing the roof. The zeros parade across my mind. Will I ever pay that off? Oh I know I earn enough to make ends meet but with a pay cut looming in the summer my heart sinks. No holiday again this year.

Then children. Are they happy? They seem so… am I too strict with them? I got angry at the 7yo for jumping on his bed… should I have talked to him instead of yelling? He’s already broken a bed he’s just so big… he does not realise he’s not five anymore.

3yo is smarter than I am. Frighteningly so. People will think we are hothousing him. Nothing could be further from the truth. He just picks it up, loves numbers, is already trying to read. Fuck people. Hate most people anyway. Am I stimulating him enough though? Is he bored?

Are they happy? Am I a bad mother?

Husband. Ever shifted to third on the list after the money and the children. Guilt for that… lots of it. Squirming in my chest. It used to be just us. He was always my first consideration. Can’t remember when that changed. Is he healthy? I worry about him through the day and it all piles up and is concentrated as I hear him breathing beside me. His eyes were bad today. Must make sure to lie still so he sleeps properly. His back, he will wake in pain. Must make sure I get him a coffee in the morning to take his meds with.

Is he happy? Is he still happy to be with me? Does he regret moving here? Our way of life? What can I do to make sure he is okay?

Work harder, smile more. 7yo asked if we were poor a few days ago. A 7yo should not ask things like that. Need to devote self to career, even though it eats my time and presses thick black worry down on my mind.

Sometimes I love it, best job. Sometimes I hate it. Blame self for things I can’t control. Make mistakes because my head does not work like others do. Should I get a new job? Would I feel any better? How much money would it cost to move? Can we afford that?

I feel so trapped sometimes… just want my mind to shut down. Computer helps. I don’t have to think of anything else when writing or destroying pixels on a screen. Even in that I don’t have the hand to eye coordination to perform well. Dyslexia makes words come out backwards, clumsy fingers mash keys…

No… I need to sleep

Mind continues to plan for the worst case and dreams are haunted with hungry children and the roof of my flat collapsing.